prolouge to schoolies

until then

Okay so,
I just read that last post, and I thought, "in ten days I am going to be eighteen and a woman and I should probs suck this childish shit up and start acting my expected age."
Do you remember being told "act your age, not your shoe size." I remember that. My friends dad use to say it to us allll thhheee tiimmmee. Along with, "were you born in a tent?" when we didn't shut the door. Now that I think about it that would have probably pissed me off too. Like insanely.
Anyway for the record my shoe size is 9. My sister is 9, but I don't know her shoe size.
The worst thing is... yep we sure do have similar traits. We both can't take what we dish out, we both over exaggerate and dramatize everything and I am a self confessed sooky la la. This is like, half of what I'm supposed to be.
Okay eighteen, I expect to be demure, ambitious, sultry, confident, self assured, able to spell, clever and beautiful and capable. And to know things. Yeah nah, if there was a turning eighteen test I would FAIL. But luckily, like VCE, whatever you try you cannot fail whatsoever. Sick. But you will just get ranked. Low. Real low. Scum low. Thats pathetic low and disappoint your parents and disgrace your name. Love it.
I really feel being seventeen for a few more months would not go astray. That might be a good present that I forgot to put on my list that is stuck on the fridge. Along with my super good I.D that was unjustly taken away from me. Maybe if that bouncer was not a prick I would not hold a grudge. In my thoughts my tongue is stuck out. Not even my sister does that.
Its like this, I want to be skinny or whatev and I just ate my weight in everything (thanks family birthday dinner) and I'm blaming my lack of self control on my FOOD and not mySELF. If I was a proper eighteen year old I would just know what I eat and what I don't eat and be done with it.
When I grow up i'll let you know.
Until then I am just going to make myself feel better with Tic Tacs. I've got 10 days.

suburban incarceration

O
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M
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G
o
d
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So many things are going on today because its my Mum's birthday. And it's weird because its like mid week and usually things do NOT happen on Wednesdays. Evah.
The phone is always ringing and I'm going to bake a cake. My sister has gone to school and we are going to send a parcel. Normal things, right? But they are all weirdly related and look like they have an agenda because they come under the sub heading of 'mums birthday'.

On this glorious day, which we appreciate more because the sun is out on the day of my mothers birth, I feel like I can look at myself and see what person I am.
I feel like a normal, greatful person stuck inside a short tempered persons life. Like, I hate this house that I live in, and find myself having to justify my hate to TOTAL STRANGERS that drive you home from netball when you fill in. "oh yeah thats my house down the end of the street, oh haha [polite laugh], yes well my parents are waiting to build. they didn't want to move. my brother was going to move. well we use to live in a good house."

God it sounds so desperate. And I know that the people don't give a shit, but it just comes out. I (not even secretly or discreetly) wish that we never moved from 'the mansion' - friends christened it, not us - and that when people drove me home they could still marvel over the red door and that we lived in the big house opposite the golf course. And I would be constantly greatful that I had like more than 1cm squared to myself.
Doing it again, I realize that.

So even though so many good things are happening, and I've been lucky all my life, I still get the urge to bang my head on this computer table and wait for the day that I am rewarded for this mother fucking penance.
The only thing I have learnt, the only thing, is that no good and selfless deed goes unpunished.
If you ever get the opportunity to kick and scream and tantrum to prevent something you don't want from happening, I beg you. DO IT.
If not for your own good for the good of others.
Never lend your things to friends, because eventually someone will break into their car and take it.
Don't help people with their homework.
And never, NEVER give selfish bitches the benefit of doubt. Because instead of 'another holiday in Bali!', you end up down $200 and in Surfers. Actually, hold that thought, because at this stage I'm still not sure if its a blessing in disguise.

But jeeze, I know that I sound like that song where the guy complains about his hard life being male middle class and white. I got it easy, nobody prejudices against me, my home is not being destroyed by companies who kill orangutans habitats for palm oil.
Oh my god, I am Emma Woodhouse ala Jane Austen.

telltale.

IN FEBRUARY I BROUGHT A FORTUNE BRACELET.
Feb the fourteenth, to be precise. I'm pretty sure it claimed to act as some sort of fortune magnet when you put it on, and then eventually when you have accumulated a sufficient amount of fortune, thus becoming fortunate, it falls off. And only in the last week has my bracelet began to deteriorate and maybe fall of in the near future. But to be honest I'm a bit hazy on what it really indicates.

Is it like, you have had enough fortunate things happen to you? You have reached the maximum number of fortunate situations and are no longer allowed assistance (if more is required go and pay $2 for another one). Or is it that you are now fortunate, and will continue to be? Maybe its just tricking you into perceiving the events of your life differently?

I don't know if I am any more fortunate than I was any number of months ago.
Like, there are so many fluctuating things going on all the time, how do you know which is better than the others? If it rains and ruins your day, is it fortunate because its an indication that the world is not turning to a burning hunk of shit because of global warming?
Fortune bracelet, tell me... will the proof be in the pudding or is the beauty in the eye of the beholder goddamn it.

Nevertheless, I suggest you invest $2 in this little universal talisman. Because, if anything it tricks you into being more susceptible to stumbling across happy, if relatively small in the grand scheme of things, that go on in your own life.
And you feel precious and lucky, and like your life is imbued with beauty and rarity, if only temporarily. Even if its just because the sun got up with you today, and when it set it made a pretty colour on the pavement.

D day night

You might know that tomorrow is the day that will determine like 1/4 of your life if you are year 12 student in Victoria. But whatevs no biggie - hence why I am on le blog.
Due to the utter un-importance of 9am - 12.15pm tomorrow. And the spell check.
I know what your thinking, but don't even worry, as a wise slut once told me "you are not going to learn anything the night before, so just relax and get some rest."
She was a little bit wrong, so far I have learnt that sluts are people too, and valuable contributors to our society.

So anyway if you life in the southern metropolitan area of Melb, which I call mah home town, you might notice that in these past few weeks everybody has been shacking up. People are joining hands and getting together like nobody's business and couples are slowly moving to that point where its necessary to change their facebook status' in the interest of an honest media.
f-r-e-a-k o-u-t.
Thats right, your pal-y highschool chums, smooth operators and modern day goddesses are trading in their unattainable persona's for something a little more traditional. What induced this change of heart and caused even the most lucrative of ladykillers to place their hearts on their sleeves?
Is it something profound and omnipresent, like the completion of high school - the end of an era - making everyone feel the need to cling to one another for dear life because the mere thought of living outside the structured walls of scholastica is so confronting? Or could it be that the window of opportunity to win over your high school sweetheart is closing indefinitely and never again will you be able to live their teenage dream.
You can thank Katy Perry for setting the standard so high.
Or, to abandon all fleeting and wonderful notions of manifestations of young love, perhaps it is merely that at the end of season 2 of gossip girl, Chuck Bass was finally tamed by Blair and because we gen yers cannot think for ourselves we followed suit.
Yeah.
So, for those parents yet to learn something the night before their childeren's english exam, let it be that if you want to know whats going on in their lives, season four is out online.
You were warned.

TRANSTITON.

The last days

of high school and it appears that everything is collapsing into one big heap. But not in a bad way, in kind of a manifestation way. And as things have fallen, they have been exposed.
Like I always wondered why people whip out their phones when they are by themselves. As if warding off any suspicion, like its okay, i'm on my phone. It's easily the most comforting thing do to when you are alone, why? Because by being on your phone, you are still in-touch with people, even though you are alone. Alone but not a loner. Clearly. Moreover, you seem cooler, because you are probs, actually deffs texting someone way more important/cool/hot/interesting than the people surrounding you. Especially when you have that self satisfied look on your face, or when you have sunglasses on.

Something else I realized was the magnitude of the compliment when someone asks you out and offers to pay for you. Think about it, you work for your money and are ready and willing to use it to give yourself a night out or whatever, people don't mind giving their money if they get something memorable in return. However, footing the bill for someone else is another matter. It is often out of obligation or 'duty' that people shout others. Or it may be that they are sa rich and money is a disposable thing for them. And they really, really wanted to point that out to you.
But in the case of those sincere offers, I think it means that the person really wanted to be with you. And like they pay for themselves to have the experience of you.
What a nice thought. Pity it only happens very very rarely.

Those are my only revelations for the moment. Hopefully there will be more in the course of the hardest month in my life so far and potentially ever. But all this commotion about VCE and graduating is making everything heaps clearer and in perspective.
I hope one day i'll read this and think I was over exaggerating because everything was fine.

Cross your fingers

HELLO! : Stranger

To the familiar and the unacquainted,
Hello, it has been a while.

But within reason, might I add. My life has been seized and evaluated by the constant god damn hierarchy that is VCE. But you know what, as sucky as it is not have a life and have partially become a paranoid Polly and constantly worrying that your friends are your enemies because you are really competing with EVERYONE even if they tell you it will be okay if they copy your homework just this ONCE, you get major sympathy votes.
From every single person ever.
And I love it. I truly do. And maybe I might like it if I had to stay year 12 forever because I get a kick out of people doing an "oh, your really in for it" expression and wishing you luck, because you both know that the only shit going to get you through it is a miracle.
When, at any other point in your life, can people relate to your misfortune and are willing to be compassionate without pretentious pity? Never, not unless you are enrolled in units 3 and 4 of various subjects and forfeiting any social life/sleep/peace of mind/health in exchange for a number that dictates the rest of your life.

That being said, the end of VCE is really the only motivator for me at the moment. But when the time comes that I walk out of my last exam, leaving behind me high school and its riveting bullshit, I will not only lament the passing of my longest rite of passage, but the lady at the Clinque counter. The one who told me I could "do it!" as she applied my makeup. And the other lady who chatted to me about how ludicrous our curriculum was compared to what they had to do.
Who's going to pat me on the back at university? No one. People only want you to pull up your socks and get your head on straight unless you are studying medicine.

God I sound like such a baby. But whatever. I am entitled to it, you have entitled us to the odd whinge and eating badly a little to often. You wish you were in my shoes. My straight-laced, cant-work-on-this-nice-day-because-I-have-study shoes.

Hopefully, I see you less cynical and with breath on the other side.
Until then.